When S*#%! Hits The Fan

It's been a while. I've been caught up in life and the bumps in the road along the way. Some where small, while others where bottomless pits of angst and....well, you get the idea.

I won't go into all the gory details, but I will say this....the grass always looks greener on the other side because you don't have to mow it. 

Think about that.

10 Secrets of Super Happy Couples......Really?

I have a subscription to Women's Health magazine. Every month I like to torture myself with useless information about losing weight, eating healthy and having great sex. Seriously, every single article is the same over every issue, just worded differently! Yet still I read this rag hoping to learn something new. I wait for that light bulb moment when I can say "That I can do!".

The latest issue of Women's Health magazine had an article in it that just rubbed me the wrong way. I could not help but read it and actually laugh out load all while belittling its author. No offense lady, but really....really? The article is 10 Secrets of Super Happy Couples.

Naturally being a married woman I read this article and immediately formed my own opinions. Join me in rehashing this morsel of stupidity and tell me your opinions!

1. Pretend You Just Met - "Whether you've been together for six months or six years, spend some time each day acting as if you just started dating".  My opinion: the dating days were not all that fun.  Why would I want to revisit them? They were filled with uncertainty and neediness and heart break. Sure the very first few months of a new relationship may be wrought with sexual tension and exploration, but that quickly fades then you find you really don't like that guy. If you do stay and decide you like him then that is awesome!  I was much happier and confident in my relationship after time passed. I figured that if he could tolerate me for this long , he must be a keeper. Then I relaxed and could be myself!

2. Limit Chick Flicks - "Romantic comedies can set up unreasonable expectations, which may lead to unnecessary suffering," says Sean Patrick Hatt, Ph.D., a psychologist in Seattle.  My opinion: No shit batman! Seriously who the hell calls  up a guy she just started dating to come over only to subject him to these sappy movies. If you think that you are feeding him ideas about how to be romantic and a good man, you are not. You would be better off showing  him super hero movies! If you are trying to get him in the mood rent porn. Chick flicks are just lame.

3. Be Beauty to His Beast - "Coupling up with an average Joe (with a beer belly) may be the key to long-term love"....My opinion:  Was I just told to find an ugly guy? Most men are average Joe's they just come in different shapes and sizes.  It shouldn't  matter if he looks like Brad Pitt and you look like a junkie street walking whore! If he likes you and you look like him all is good. Don't lower your expectations just because you thing you have a better chance at keeping a guy.

4. Control the Boozing - "Partyers may be more likely to have commitment issues to begin with, and once they couple up their bonds may be unstable."  My opinion:  I can actually agree with this. Back in my dating days I had a few booze fueled relationships that inevitably went nowhere. Looking back I realize that not one occasion went by where booze was not involved with some of these guys. I never had a chance to see the sober guy, maybe he would not have been so much fun, maybe he would not have slept with my friend if we weren't all drunk!

5. Hold a Grudge - "Provided that your partner is able to bounce back from spats, you'll experience greater satisfaction, even if you tend to stay P.O.'d".  My opinion: I just don't get this one. Seems rather conflicting from what most of us have been told about keeping relationships happy. "Never go to bed mad" we've been told. Isn't a grudge  just an extension of anger. So which is it, settle the dispute and let things go or hang on to it and poison the relationship. I guess it all depends on what the spat was about in the first place. If he left the cap off the toothpaste again...get over it. If  he gambled away the money for your mortgage hold a grudge!

6. Tweet Responsibly - "Avid tweeters tend to have shorter relationships".  My opinion: Another point that I  agree with (which came as a big surprise to me as I never agree with this stuff). Nothing pisses me off more that trying to hold a conversation with a person all while they keep glancing at their iPhone or ask me to wait while they quickly Tweet! My blood just boils. Another thing that I commonly see is that women often Tweet about their partner and sometimes they make their man look like total douche bags....just sayin'.

7. Don't Win an Oscar - "A Best Actress winner is 63 percent more likely to have her marriage end before her category mates do".  My opinion: WTF! Are you serious! If a man does not have enough self worth, self respect and self assurance to have a woman who may earn more money and be more successful than he is, then clearly that powerful woman should not be with that loser. This tidbit while at the very end says to "Encourage and celebrate each other's successes, big and small" is completely correct, it also dangerously implies that as a woman you should strive for mediocrity if you want to keep a man!


8. Burn Bras Together - "Women whose male partner is a feminist report better relationship quality". My opinion:  I am a touch old fashioned. I like my man to be a touch boarish. I don't want to be treated like crap, but I don't want him to be a  feminist pussy who's afraid to speak his mind for fear of offending the feminist me. I have no problem with a woman fighting for equality and rites, but when a feminist starts taking it to the extreme like bitching about terms such as "fireman" or "man hole cover" I don't respect them. Even worse is the wimpy guy standing right behind her agreeing with her stupidity. I think it should be a two way street, he should respect you as a woman and you should respect him as a man.
 
9. Nurture you friends Relationship - "Some people may see another's divorce as permission to change their own life,"  My opinion: Stay out of other peoples business. If your best friends marriage is on the rocks be supportive of her, but don't try to mend it! Just turn all of your good intentions onto your own relationship because that is the only one that matters. Often we become so wrapped up in other peoples problems that we neglect our own relationships.

10. Twist the Sheets at Least Once a Week- "Couples who like each other end up in bed more often."  My opinion: Oh how nice would that be. In order for this to happen though I would have to wake at 2 am and jump him. Sure sex is important to keeping a marriage strong and happy. But sometimes our expectations just do not meet the reality that is our life. Many couples find it difficult to make time for nookie when they have kids always buzzing around, work and household obligations to meet.  Often exhaustion trying to meet those needs sets in. Sometimes sacrificing 30 minutes of pleasure for 30  minutes of extra sleep is just way more appealing.

What are your secrets to staying a happy couple?

10 Reasons to Call Off The Wedding

The Hubby and I were invited to a wedding that was to take place at the end of August. Today we received word that the wedding had been canceled. Everyone was shocked at first, but then the rumor mill started churning and shared their theories as to why the bride bumped the groom. "He slept with her sister", "She screwed the best man" or "He beat her". All very good reasons to call off the wedding.

The cancellation of what should have been this couples happiest day in their life turned into a bit of a circus. I must admit, that I too 'wondered' what went wrong. I then spent a little too much time thinking of reasons why I would have canceled my wedding. I had never really thought about it before, I never  had reason to. I guess if I decided to marry a different man that I may have found myself in a similar situation.

So another woman's pain resulted in this list that I compiled of reasons why I would cancel my wedding.

1. He starts wearing your fancy dresses and refers to  himself as Beth. At that point you should seriously consider whether your man wants to be your man.

2. Your man has more intimate time with himself than he does you. This is a good warning sign that your sex life may not be acceptable....or he is into himself way to much.

3. He spends way too much time playing fantasy games on the net. Seriously, if he thinks he is a dragon slayer, move away from  him!

4. Temper! Temper! If you find that your potential spouse has an explosive temper be cautious. Does he act out violently? Does he do crazy things when he is angry like driving recklessly and showing obvious signs of road rage? Does he rant and rave when his favorite team loses the game? Well, that guy needs to see a professional and learn to control his anger....you are not that professional, walk away.

5. Kills your self esteem. If you find that your man constantly puts you down from everything to  how you dress to the way you cook, you may want to put up your radar. Guys who feel the need to knock you down a notch or two very rarely will treat you with respect. You need to take control and put him in his place the first time he does this, if he does not like being told off then remember he is likely embarrassed of his manhood and you just don't need that bullshit.

6. Paranoia. Does he call you constantly throughout the day? Does he always question who you are with? Does he believe that the government is watching his every move? This is the kind of guy who will notice the type of mud on  your car and grill you about why you were in a location where mud like that could have got on your car. He will follow you, check your email and voicemail.  If your mates jealously and lack of trust are causing problems before you say I Do, then you need to evaluate whether losing your freedom and yourself are worth it.

7. He is a Mama's Boy. You know the guy, the one that needs to visit his Mommy daily. She still cooks for him and even does his laundry if you won't do it. This is also a double whammy because this guy will likely have a controlling mother and she likes that he still relies on her. Remember when you get married  you marry your spouses family as well. If this guy spends way too much time focusing on what his mommy wants and she calls your house daily to remind you of his favorite foods, I suggest you proceed with caution.

8. Cheater! If he has cheated on you once, it is very highly likely that he will do it again. If you forgave him for a past trist he will think that you are somewhat accepting and cool and try to repeat the bad behavior again. If the bugger screws another woman before you marry that should be your cue to walk away and not look back.

9. The very sight of him makes you ill! If the man that you once found so desirable, the man that made your heart beat faster, the guy who's smile you could not live without seeing daily starts to turn your stomach the minute he walks through the door, then you've got a problem!

10. He is unstable both emotionally and financially. Often these two issues go hand in hand. With some hard work and maybe a bit of luck, he can turn his financial instability around. But if he is just a lazy bastard who does not want to work and would rather sponge off of you then you have a problem. If he displays signs of being emotionally unstable such as being verbally or physically abusive walk away. Perhaps his problems are a little less severe, such as having a two way conversation with himself several times a day, he dresses his dog in a tuttu or thinks getting a tattoo on his face just like Mike Tyson, then he is a nut job. Cut your losses and save your sanity and bank account.

Marriage is a deep and binding contract that two people should not enter into lightly. You must both be ready to share every aspect of your lives together. Being married means loving your mate even if they are a bit odd. Trusting that his side glances at the blonde waitress will never amount to anything. Knowing that he will always put you first, respect you, understand you and be your best friend.