50 Shades of Shite

After much anticipation I finally indulged in my not so secret passion for 50 Shades of Grey. As most of you know, I am a lover of the book series by E.L. James. I even went so far as to have my own fantasy cast for the movie! I was stunned that Jamie Dornan was cast as the mysteriously kinky Christian Grey. Frankly I just couldn't see it. When the promotional material began to flood the television and internet, Dornan grew on me but Dakota Johnson, not so much.

Being the frugal lady I am, I waited until I could rent the movie on demand. It was actually my viewing pleasure for Mother's Day. My poor husband indulged me and even sat with me to watch the movie. Well, that is $7 and 2 hours I will never get back. I was so disappointed in the cast. Dornan was barely able to pull off an American accent let alone hide his Irish lilt. While I enjoy looking at Jamie Dornan and that toned body, the guy couldn't act his way out of a wet paper bag. Johnson was like a dead fish. Lifeless. Boring. No passion. She stank. Actually, neither actor portrayed great passion for a film that is all about passion. I just didn't feel it. The sex scenes were ok. They had to be tamed for obvious reasons but still they lacked that kink that I came to associate with Christian Grey.

My husband fell asleep within the first 20 minutes of the movie while I struggled to stay awake. What is worse is they ended that joke of a movie on the insinuation that there would be a follow up movie! Seriously, will they put out another piece of shite like that? Just sayin', if you need a fix of Christian Grey...reread the book and skip the movie, what you imagine in your mind would be far more powerful than the drivel they served up on the silver screen.

Why Some People Should Not Be Parents

It is no secret  that parenting is a tough job. I would like to think that many of us who chose to become parents did not go into it blindly and expect it to be a cake walk, to smell like a bed of roses. Quite frankly it is often like walking on egg shells and reeks of shit! But if you are a good parent (not perfect...perfect parents do not exist and don't let anyone tell you otherwise) you know there will be challenges and you opt to make decisions that are in the best interest of your kids. You feed them a healthy diet, you provide them with all the necessities of life. Discipline is difficult but you do it because you know it will help your child to grow and become a responsible adult. You love you kids unconditionally. They are your world, your light, your everything. You would do anything (within reason) for your children. You do not abuse them physically or emotionally. You shower them with attention and affection. These actions and choices make you a good parent. Sure we often catch ourselves making poor parenting choices, but being the good person that  you are, you make sure it doesn't happen again. Your a good parent.

Then you watch the news and stumble through blogs and social media and are astounded that there are a large number of people out there that are just Horrible parents. Period. Too many to mention, too many to dwell on. From the idiot Mom who leaves her sleeping infant in the car seat while she goes shopping for 3 hours in sweltering heat, to the Dad who beats his toddler to the point that he suffers severe brain damage. There are way too many of these horror stories floating around out there. Which brings me to my next examples of poor parenting ( or just plain dumb ass people ). We have all seen photos like this on the internet. But I thought I would share a few with you anyway, just to drive home the point that some people are just crappy parents.

I am sure that the parents who took some of these photos thought it was cute or funny that the kid was playing with a bong or guns. Its all right to smoke a giant doobie while your kid sits on your shoulders...isn't it? It was funny putting the baby in the microwave. NOT! I firmly believe that people need to be licensed to have children.

10 Secrets of Super Happy Couples......Really?

I have a subscription to Women's Health magazine. Every month I like to torture myself with useless information about losing weight, eating healthy and having great sex. Seriously, every single article is the same over every issue, just worded differently! Yet still I read this rag hoping to learn something new. I wait for that light bulb moment when I can say "That I can do!".

The latest issue of Women's Health magazine had an article in it that just rubbed me the wrong way. I could not help but read it and actually laugh out load all while belittling its author. No offense lady, but really....really? The article is 10 Secrets of Super Happy Couples.

Naturally being a married woman I read this article and immediately formed my own opinions. Join me in rehashing this morsel of stupidity and tell me your opinions!

1. Pretend You Just Met - "Whether you've been together for six months or six years, spend some time each day acting as if you just started dating".  My opinion: the dating days were not all that fun.  Why would I want to revisit them? They were filled with uncertainty and neediness and heart break. Sure the very first few months of a new relationship may be wrought with sexual tension and exploration, but that quickly fades then you find you really don't like that guy. If you do stay and decide you like him then that is awesome!  I was much happier and confident in my relationship after time passed. I figured that if he could tolerate me for this long , he must be a keeper. Then I relaxed and could be myself!

2. Limit Chick Flicks - "Romantic comedies can set up unreasonable expectations, which may lead to unnecessary suffering," says Sean Patrick Hatt, Ph.D., a psychologist in Seattle.  My opinion: No shit batman! Seriously who the hell calls  up a guy she just started dating to come over only to subject him to these sappy movies. If you think that you are feeding him ideas about how to be romantic and a good man, you are not. You would be better off showing  him super hero movies! If you are trying to get him in the mood rent porn. Chick flicks are just lame.

3. Be Beauty to His Beast - "Coupling up with an average Joe (with a beer belly) may be the key to long-term love"....My opinion:  Was I just told to find an ugly guy? Most men are average Joe's they just come in different shapes and sizes.  It shouldn't  matter if he looks like Brad Pitt and you look like a junkie street walking whore! If he likes you and you look like him all is good. Don't lower your expectations just because you thing you have a better chance at keeping a guy.

4. Control the Boozing - "Partyers may be more likely to have commitment issues to begin with, and once they couple up their bonds may be unstable."  My opinion:  I can actually agree with this. Back in my dating days I had a few booze fueled relationships that inevitably went nowhere. Looking back I realize that not one occasion went by where booze was not involved with some of these guys. I never had a chance to see the sober guy, maybe he would not have been so much fun, maybe he would not have slept with my friend if we weren't all drunk!

5. Hold a Grudge - "Provided that your partner is able to bounce back from spats, you'll experience greater satisfaction, even if you tend to stay P.O.'d".  My opinion: I just don't get this one. Seems rather conflicting from what most of us have been told about keeping relationships happy. "Never go to bed mad" we've been told. Isn't a grudge  just an extension of anger. So which is it, settle the dispute and let things go or hang on to it and poison the relationship. I guess it all depends on what the spat was about in the first place. If he left the cap off the toothpaste again...get over it. If  he gambled away the money for your mortgage hold a grudge!

6. Tweet Responsibly - "Avid tweeters tend to have shorter relationships".  My opinion: Another point that I  agree with (which came as a big surprise to me as I never agree with this stuff). Nothing pisses me off more that trying to hold a conversation with a person all while they keep glancing at their iPhone or ask me to wait while they quickly Tweet! My blood just boils. Another thing that I commonly see is that women often Tweet about their partner and sometimes they make their man look like total douche bags....just sayin'.

7. Don't Win an Oscar - "A Best Actress winner is 63 percent more likely to have her marriage end before her category mates do".  My opinion: WTF! Are you serious! If a man does not have enough self worth, self respect and self assurance to have a woman who may earn more money and be more successful than he is, then clearly that powerful woman should not be with that loser. This tidbit while at the very end says to "Encourage and celebrate each other's successes, big and small" is completely correct, it also dangerously implies that as a woman you should strive for mediocrity if you want to keep a man!


8. Burn Bras Together - "Women whose male partner is a feminist report better relationship quality". My opinion:  I am a touch old fashioned. I like my man to be a touch boarish. I don't want to be treated like crap, but I don't want him to be a  feminist pussy who's afraid to speak his mind for fear of offending the feminist me. I have no problem with a woman fighting for equality and rites, but when a feminist starts taking it to the extreme like bitching about terms such as "fireman" or "man hole cover" I don't respect them. Even worse is the wimpy guy standing right behind her agreeing with her stupidity. I think it should be a two way street, he should respect you as a woman and you should respect him as a man.
 
9. Nurture you friends Relationship - "Some people may see another's divorce as permission to change their own life,"  My opinion: Stay out of other peoples business. If your best friends marriage is on the rocks be supportive of her, but don't try to mend it! Just turn all of your good intentions onto your own relationship because that is the only one that matters. Often we become so wrapped up in other peoples problems that we neglect our own relationships.

10. Twist the Sheets at Least Once a Week- "Couples who like each other end up in bed more often."  My opinion: Oh how nice would that be. In order for this to happen though I would have to wake at 2 am and jump him. Sure sex is important to keeping a marriage strong and happy. But sometimes our expectations just do not meet the reality that is our life. Many couples find it difficult to make time for nookie when they have kids always buzzing around, work and household obligations to meet.  Often exhaustion trying to meet those needs sets in. Sometimes sacrificing 30 minutes of pleasure for 30  minutes of extra sleep is just way more appealing.

What are your secrets to staying a happy couple?

Braless In Public....Would You?

A few weeks ago I was watching The Talk a show that I have grown rather fond of over the summer. One of the topics was Would You Go Braless in Public. Not a topic that I would give to much thought to in general. I have been out and about many times and encountered a woman or two who had no bra. Usually these women were young, childless and not overly endowed. They looked perfectly fine to me.

Then it happened. I was for the first time ever insulted, disgusted dare I say by seeing a woman in her mid 40's going braless. What a horror show that was! Seriously! The vision of the woman will be etched in my mind for many years to come. Normally, I could care less about such trivial things as how people dress in public, but this woman looked like a street walking junkie, and I am pretty sure she was not. I saw her while at the grocery store. Problem number 1 right there. Obviously her nipples were erect due to the cold temperature in the store. To make it even more disturbing,  her nipples popped out roughly around the area of her belly button....enough said! What made the whole sight even more frightful was that she was wearing a pair of skin tight, ultra short cut off jean shorts, and a bright pink g-string peaking out for all to see. Even more disturbing she was with a teen aged girl who I can only assume was her daughter. The daughter was dressed just like the mother, right down to no bra and showing g-string.

I can't believe that I am being so silly about such a small thing. Perhaps I am a tad bit jealous that I don't have the stones to go braless in public. Sure, the minute I walk through the door that bra comes off and I free the girls. I never have had an issue with sagging and all....I haven't much in that department, frankly I consider myself lucky. Even if my boobs are still perky, I would not go out in public without a bra. Nobody wants to see my 'headlights'. I am sure that my 7 year old son who was shopping with me at the time, did not want to see that woman's tata's either!

Angry Bird

Spring is in the air, well actually at this point summer is on my door step. The weather has been warming up nicely and all the signs of mother nature coming out the play are here. The trees are almost all in full foliage, flowers are blooming, birds singing, robin's nest in my tree is full of eggs and the wild turkeys have been out and about.

I live in a wonderful location where I get to enjoy many varieties of birds and those big ugly wild turkeys like to come out every spring (I assume they are nesting). This is also the time of year when I always have my camera with me. One day in particular I noticed a man in his car pulled off to the side of the road watching something in the field. I caught glance of two wild turkeys, one male and the other female. I pulled over, rolled down my window and  pointed the camera at the male turkey. He immediately became defensive and moved in for the attack. At one point he was so aggressive I grew scared and rolled up the window. He pecked at my tires and the front end of my car. When he felt satisfied that he had slayed the mini van he proceeded to attack other cars that were slowly passing by! This psycho turkey brings a whole new meaning to Angry Birds!

Note to Retailers...Mind Your Own Business!

With the holiday season upon us, we are all making the mad dash to retail stores to purchase gifts for out loved ones. I love this time of year, it makes me feel all tingly inside to spoil my kids. I enjoy the rush I get when I know that I found the perfect gift for someone. But one thing I really Do Not Like is when the cashiers at these retail stores always ask you for some form of personal information such as your postal code or email address. Which begs to question...why?

What really bothers me about this process which the retailers claim is for marketing purposes (sure it is) is that the cashier never explains why they are asking for your information. Like brain washed robots they just demand your data and sometimes add please. The only time they explain the reason for asking  is when you question them as to why they are asking for your information! I would think that if retailers want this information to compile a customer profile then they should be obligated to say so directly, honestly and explain that to the customer up front.

I used to give my address and number out until my husband one day asked me why I did. I did not have an answer. It did not dawn on me to ask why they wanted to know my information. I just went with the flow, everyone else gave their info so why wouldn't I...there must be a reason for their asking I thought.  Whatever the reason, you are not obligated to give them your information. So why does everybody do it?

I no longer give my information out and when asked for it I always ask the person at the register why they want to know my personal information. Often times they seem shocked that I even say no. But when I put them on the spot they fumble for an answer. I have been to a few stores that were so aggressive in trying to gain my data that I was stunned. First they wanted my phone number, then my postal code and lastly my email address. Each time I said no but the cashier was relentless!

This practice by retailers has become one of my biggest pet peeves. Seriously, my skin itches when I think about it. It does not bother me that the stores are trying to build on their business, I just can't stand the mindless, deliberate and unattached way they go about it. They should have signs at the check out the explains the reason for the process and also inform customers that they in no way have to comply. Just a thought!

I found another really good article about this topic here, give it a read and see if you will be sharing your information so easily next time.

10 Reasons to Buy the Shark Steam Pocket Mop (as determined by a 6 year old)

There is nothing more entertaining than watching a young child get excited about something. It can be anything, a new toy, a funny joke or watching their mother slip on a wet floor and fall on her ass. The way they light up when they find something interesting and exciting is priceless. Lately my son Sebastian has been thrilled by a product that he see's on the television.

My eldest has always been an early riser. He usually gets up 30 minutes to an hour before I do. Now that he is 6 years old and has figured out how to work the remote (which is a tale for another entry) he comes downstairs and turns on the television. Over that last month or so he has been watching infomercials. His favorite infomercial is for the Shark Steam Pocket Mop. He watches it nearly every day and the minute I  step into the room he will have given me 10 reasons why I must get the steam pocket mop. So I would like to share with you his reasons for shelling out way too much money for a glorified swiffer sweeper.

10 Reasons to Buy the Shark Steam Pocket Mop (as determined by a 6 year old)

1. You don't need to use smelly stuff that can make you sick.
2. It really cleans and makes stuff less germy.
3. It dries fast so I can walk on the floor instead of waiting forever....sheessh...
4. It has three pads to clean the whole house, really you can keep changing them (great...)
5. It has a carpet glider to make the carpets fresh. It will get rid of the dogs smelly butt.
6. It is not heavy and you don't have to carry a big bowl of water and a stinky mop!
7. I can even use it ( be my guest dear...)
8. It has a really long cord, but be careful that you don't trip on it. Your kinda clumsy.
9. It would make cleaning the house easier and I know you don't like to clean much (gee thanks kid)
10. Mark (the guy selling this contraption) says I have to get it!

If you ask me they all seem like really good reasons to dish out $130 for a steaming sweeper. Sebastian's pitch was so good that I did in fact go out and buy one of these mops! I took him to Canadian Tire with me and let him pick one and pay for it. He promised me that he would help me clean the house if I let him use it. He stuck to his promise, once. I will say though that out of all the drivel that is sold on T.V. today, I do like this one. Not like the Slap Chop and Magic Bullet that my husband was conned into buying....Hey, have you noticed a theme here...the men in my life watch way too much television let alone infomercials. Also I can't help to notice that all the gadgets they want are all really for me to make my life easier (according to their logic). Wow! Do I wish they would invent the machine that would wash dishes, fold laundry and give foot massages easier for the husband!

Adventures in Italy - Driving

There are so many things to love about Italy. The food, shopping, architecture and history make visiting Italy repeatedly all worthwhile. But, and this is a big but, the driving leaves you with a really bad taste in your mouth (a mix of bile and blood from biting your tongue and being frightened).

When we visit Italy we like to rent a car for a few reasons. We do a lot of traveling and enjoy the freedom to do so without having to worry about schedules etc. The moment my husband steps behind the wheel of a car in Italy I see a change come over him. He becomes intense, on edge. He never smiles, never seems to enjoy himself. I am always amazed at the litany of foul words that spew from his otherwise polite mouth.

There is something about driving in Italy that requests that you have some level of insanity to deal with the streets and the folk who drive on them. Of course driving in big cities like Rome, Napoli or Palermo is always worse. The congestion is just mind boggling. Some streets are so narrow that barely two motorcycles can pass each other, but these roads are used by cars. We scraped our car mirrors twice, once in the medieval streets of Ragusa while looking for parking, and once in Napoli while a bus tried to pass us. Cars weave in and out of traffic with little regard for those surrounding them. If you are a pedestrian trying to cross the street, say your prayers and be quick and observant. I can assure you that drivers do not care that you are crossing the road, so you must be vigilant. On many occasions I saw senior citizens trying to cross the street. This one old fellow with a cane broke my heart. He stepped off the curb several times only to be nearly hit by motorcycles and cars who did not even consider slowing let alone stopping to let the old man cross. My husband stopped for this guy and the driver behind us honked furiously! I was surprised. I always thought Italians had great respect for their elders. I guess that when it comes to driving, they respect no one.

Then there are the motorcycle and vespa drivers. They may be the worst. They weave in and out of traffic, pass on the roadside, have little patience and seem to think they are invincible!  If you are stopped at a red light, the bikers all swarm like killer bees to get to the front. There will easily be 20 bikes that will jokey for first spot. Speed limits in Italy tend to be a bit higher than they are in Canada, which for a guy like my hubby, he loves. Regularly he will drive 130 – 140 km per hour. Like at home the right lane is intended for slower traffic, the left for faster and those who want to pass. One time, Hubby was driving at 140 km/hr when a motorcycle came right up behind us. He flashed his light, then not even giving us time to react, he passed us on the left...on the shoulder! Within half a minute, the guy was no longer visible. He must have been going about 200km! On the autostrada, everyone drives too fast, they tail gate and honk. When you give some passing driver the evil eye, they just shrug their shoulders as if to say “Meh” and keep on going.

Parking is a whole other can of worms. Parking is really difficult. Spots are few and small. The bigger the city, the harder it is to find parking, but that is not to say that the small towns don’t have parking problems too. When we were in Napoli, we tried to find a spot for a good hour. Thank goodness for GPS locating a parking garage, but even still, with all of those one way streets and aggressive drivers, if you miss your turn, it could take a good 10 minutes just to get back to the spot you originally wanted.  There is also a problem with double parking. There are those people who think they are so friggin’ important that it is ok to trap another car by parking on the road right beside the legally parked car! These are the bastards that drive me nuts. They make travelling down already narrow and congested streets a nightmare. Every time we found a parking spot with relative ease, we would be nervous. Italian road signs are often misleading and you are never quite sure if you are parked legally. We did give up a few times and acted like locals and parked illegally. We were never ticketed.

What bothers me most about Italian drivers are the seamless disregard for safety and laws of the road. My father in law, a native Sicilian, insists that there are laws on the road, but I have never once seen a driver pulled over by the police. I did see a police car on the side of the highway, with its “officers” sleeping in the front!  As a mother living in Canada, I am thankful for all of the laws we have to keep us safe. Car seats for our kids, seat belts,and children not being allowed to sit in the front seat until they reach a certain age or height and weight requirement. In Italy, I saw nothing like this...at all. As a matter of fact, we even saw some of our family members whipping around town with their very young children in the back with no car seat or seat belt. We saw the car seat sitting in a back room of my husband cousin’s house, not in the car. The number of times that we saw parents driving vespas with a young child standing in the front made me ill. It was not uncommon to see an adult in the front seat of a car with an infant in their lap either. Really, why not just strap the kid to the grill of the car; it is just about as safe!

And finally there are the road signs. Often you will find way too many signs bunched together. If you sit at the intersection to read these signs, surely you will piss off some motorist. My advice, use GPS and listen to it, even if you think it is leading you down the path to hell. You will get to your destination....eventually.

As I write this post, I feel myself becoming anxious. Every time I was in the car I felt anxious. So here is a word to the wise. When in Italy, seriously consider using public transit (if you can figure it out). You will be somewhat safer and have fewer worries!

Adventures in Italy

I must apologize for my not posting for a while. I have been very busy, mostly with a 3 week vacation to Italy.

We left for Italy on May 28th and returned on June 20th. We had a great 3 week visit to a country that I love dearly. I love most everything about Italy. The landscape, architecture, food and the language. For years I have been obsessed with traveling to the country and learning what I can about the culture and enjoying La Dolce Vita.

I looked forward to this trip. Hubby and I had great plans to visit wonderful cities, shop, eat, drink and absorb as much of the Italian lifestyle as we could. The only problem, we have 2 children. Under normal circumstances, having kids is  not a problem at all, it is a joy, but on vacation it challenging (and that is the only polite way that I can put it).

We are fortunate to travel with my husbands parents to Italy and have family to stay with, so our costs stay down. We stayed just over a week on the Amalfi Coast (which I love) and enjoyed our time there (mostly). We visited such great cities as Positano, Naples, Avellino, Cava di Tirreni, Sorrento and Caserta. All great cities with wonderful things to see and an abundance of food to enjoy. We had plans from the offset to venture to most of these places on our own and bring the kids to only a few places. That was mistake number one! We should have NEVER brought the kids on excursions. From the minute they left the comfort of Zia's apartment they whined  non stop, "I want to go home", "I'm hungry", "I'm hot!", " I want to ruin your vacation". For a year I looked forward to visiting Sorrento. I thought it would be a good place to bring the kids. NOT! Even though we brought reinforcements with us, Zia, Nonna and a cousin they adore, they still bitched and moaned until I was in tears. I have no idea what Sorrento looked like. I did not get more that 5 photos from that whole trip....I spent the whole time at war with the kids.

When our time in Salerno (Amalfi Coast) we drove down to Sicily, where my husbands family is from. We were looking forward to the great Sicilian beaches, food, markets and seeing family. The bonus part was that Hubby's uncle let us stay at his daughters Villa as it is unoccupied most of the time because she lives in Milan full time. What a wonderful property. A large house with marble floors, 3 bedrooms, 2 bath, large kitchen, sun room and formal living and dining room. The house also offered great ourdoor living space complete with covered porches and a gated property to keep the kids nice and safe. There were even a few lemon trees, orange and olive trees too! There were an abundance of lizards flitting about to entertain the kids for hours. The place was perfect. Only a five minute drive from the sea, a shopping mall and other family members. It truely could not have been better.

While I say that I then am reminded that we were traveling with the kids, so like clockwork, just a day after settling into our accomodations the kids started to act up again. "I want to go to the beach", "I want Nonna", "I want gelato", "I want to make  your life miserable". We tried our best to keep them entertained by taking them to the beach or going our for gelato, but the moment we would step out into the burning sun (or Sicilian furnace as I call it) my daughter would throw a fit screaming that the sun hurt her, my son would cry that he was melting.

After having just spent the week before fighting with the kids on excursions, we chose to do most of the stuff on our own. We visited Siracusa, Ortigia, Catania, Palermo, Noto,  Ragusa, Enna and some other small towns near where we were staying.  This of course was wonderful. It was like a second honeymoon for the Hubby and myself. We only took the evil minion  to one town for a visit (and as expected they were miserable) and they enjoyed beach days and a day at a water park.

I don't like to bitch and moan. I am a fortunate person to have had the luxury to visit Italy 3 times in the last 5 years. I love the country from where my husbands family immigrated. If I won the lottery I would surely buy a vacation home there if not live there full time (if I could handle the driving, littering and general rudeness of people...but that is for another post). But I do not see myself returning for a long time...not until the kids can be left alone and we could be on our own completely. Here is my word of advice, if you can, vacation WITHOUT your kids when visiting Europe. Leave family vacations for Disney, Florida or a resort in Mexico.

Kids Do and Say The Funniest Things

If you are a parent, you understand that one of the greatest things about kids are the small things that they say or do. Sometimes they have you questioning your parenting style, other times you wonder where they learn some of the things they say (because we all know that WE as parents never say things that our kids will  pick up...right?!).

Case in  point. The other night my husband enjoyed a big bowl of peanuts. He likes the ones that he shells himself, so needless to say it can become rather messy. The following morning, Sebastian woke before the rest of the house. He obviously came downstairs to watch some cartoons and walked across peanut shell remnants and was ticked off because he proceeded to write a note for my husband. It is also obvious that this amazing 6 year old boy has heard me bitch and complain about the mess often enough to think he was doing me a favor.

 When I asked Sebastian why he wrote the note he said "there was a friggin' mess every where. It is gross. So I told Daddy he is not allowed to have peanuts any more!" Brilliant! My husband swears that he will now clean up after his peanut munching so that he doesn't have to find bossy notes from his son!
Thanks Sebastian!

March Break.....Madness!!!!

Well we are now 2 days into "March Break" and I officially want to dive into a bottle of wine and not come up for air until Sunday!

Like many parents out there, you feel a great deal of pressure to entertain your precious angels during the winter break (aka nervous break) with outings, crafts, movies, dinners out....you try to give them an amazing week of fun and entertainment. Now I am not saying that my adorable offspring are spoiled rotten (except the little one...she IS a bit of a  DIVA), and I try not to give into their every demand. But like most mom's I asked what they would like to do with their time off from school. Of course the answers were typical for their 6 and 3 year old mindset. "Let's go to the zoo Mommy!"...sure a good idea...if  you would walk and not expect me to pull you along in the wagon (essentially dragging a good 80lbs of dead weight). "Let's do some crafts!"....sure...if you didn't get paint everywhere else other than the paper it was intended for. 

Today's activity was an excursion to Reptilia. A small "zoo" housing reptiles and amphibians. The kids really enjoy seeing all of the snakes, lizards, crocs and what not. But the walk through takes only about an hour, and that is if you linger at an exhibit or two! Of course, like most touristy places, the venue has a "gift shop", right at the exit of the "zoo". I normally avoid these shops like the plague, but today, I decided to reward my sweet children for being so good while we walked through the exhibit.  I bought them each a snake (which they later used as weapons in the car). So for 1 hour I dished out $40 to see some snakes and lizards! I also stopped at a small municipal airport so the kids could see the planes. They were fortunate enough to see an Air Ambulance loading a patient and taking off. They were sooo excited. They stood just a few feet away from the chopper and got a real sense of how load and windy it would be. I thought for sure I was going to be a hero, that they would do whatever I asked them to! Yeah, I am one big fool!

Alas it was time to eat. Sebastian asked if we could go to Burger King. Sure...I have been dieting, but I will give in for the love of my kids (not the Whopper). We place our order, sit down to eat and all hell broke loose. The kids started fighting with each other, refused to eat their food, whined and cried about everything. I packed up the food and we left.  Let the buggers starve.

On the way home I had to stop to get some milk and bread. Rather than drag the whining little shits through the grocery store, I opted to pop into one of those super drugstores. The touched everything they could get their hands on. My daughter grabbed an ovulation test kit and yells out "Mommy I want this!". My son tried to play hide and seek and I lost him 3 times (this all in a span of about 5 minutes). By the time I reached the cash with my bag of milk I felt like holding up the chemist for Zanax! We got back in the car, the snakes became weapons again, my son picked his nose until it bled and Gabriella would not stop singing the "ABC's".

Needless to say the minute I arrived  home, I turned on the boob tube, sat them in front of it, poured a glass of wine and tried to hold back my tears. I calmed down, came to the computer to rant here a bit, then realized that I still have 5 more days of this hell!

Someone, please put me out of my misery!

What The Hell Were They Thinking?!

Children are amazing. As any parent out there will tell you, they never cease to amaze you. Often times it is just something as simple as a smile that catches you off guard, of perhaps they snuck a cookie from the jar or ate a dog biscuit. Kids are so eager to learn about the world around them, that they don't let societal rules and regulations stop them from their quest for knowledge. Sometimes it is a crazy thing that the ankle bitter will say that just cracks  you up or embarrasses the hell out of you (like the other day while at the grocery store my son says rather loudly, "Mommy, did you fart?"). Or maybe you are shocked when you discover that your son took a pair of scissors and cut his own hair and applied your new lipstick to the walls for good measure. Kids are incredible!

The most recent case of What The Hell Were They Thinking happened just yesterday. Twice in fact. Once from my son and the other time courtesy of my daughter.
With Sebastian it went something like this.....I went into the powder room to use the facilities and was overcome by the strong smell of urine. I had cleaned the bathroom just a few short hours before, so knew that it wasn't dirty. I checked Gabriella's potty to see if it was full and it was not. I sniffed around and found the source of the stink to be coming from the waste basket. I stuck my head in there and was nearly knocked over by the stench. I looked closer and noticed the tissues in it were all wet. I pulled one out and sure enough it was saturated with pee! I then asked my little girl "Gaby did you empty your potty into the garbage can?" She innocently and honestly replied "No Mommy" then looked at her brother. Sebastian slowly started to slink behind a pillow on the sofa. "Sebastian, did Gaby put pee in the garbage can?" The answer I got was a whine, or sound similar to a cat meowing. "Sebastian, did you empty the potty into the garbage?". He hides even further into the sofa, now covering himself with two big pillows.  "Sebastian, did you pee in the garbage can?". "Yes" said his tiny little voice from underneath his protective cover of pillows. WTF! Now if he were 2 or 3 years old, I could excuse such behavior, but this boy is 6! After my tirade about not peeing anywhere but in the toilet, he helped me clean the mess and life went back to normal.

Just a few hours later, when my husband returned home from work, we were in the kitchen preparing dinner. As I was setting the table I overheard Gabriella talking to her daddy about her day and what not, when all of a sudden I heard "Eeeeewwww Penisssss!". I turned around to see what was going on and found my husband slapping her hand away from his crotch! I asked Corrado what she did and he said, face all ashen and visibly shaken,  that she reached her tiny little hand out and cupped his family jewels and said "Eeeeeewwwww Penis!". My husband looked as though he had seen a ghost. He was so disturbed that I had to pour him a glass of wine!

Like I said, kids never cease to amaze me. The things they do and say are always worth keeping a record of....great black mail material for their hormone driven teen years!